And together we learn

Banging my head against the wall

So today was one of those days. Big time. It totally kicked my behind and then some. It was one of those cry on the phone to your mom days.

It didn't start out that way--it SHOULD have been a great day! We went to a homeschool friends house to pick pears and grapes--how idyllic is that? But Hazel was having a day like you can't believe. You know the kind--whiny, mean, belligerent, fussy...it just went on and on. She was horrible at this friend's house, and normally she's quite well behaved in public. And she's almost 5! This was no cranky toddler fit. She so knows better, and she knew she was being naughty all day. We went back and forth, punishing, time out, extra loves and hugs, one on one time, threatening, bribery--if there's a trick in the book, I've used it today!

So I finally got to the point during dinner where I just snapped, and I spanked her. I don't DO that. I really really try not to be that mom, but I had had it past my endurance point with her little self. I think the problem is that I feel like she's totally manipulating me and just playing me.

Who left me in charge??? Who left all these children in my house and assumed that I would actually know what I'm doing? Doesn't it seem so completely overwhelming? The responsibility I mean, to teach them and help them to mature? I don't want compliance from her because of fear of what I'm going to punish her with, but I want to train her heart to love choosing righteousness for it's own sake. And that is such a bigger task. I feel so unequal to this motherhood thing. I'm approaching it blindly, and I can't help but feel that I'm messing up in a big way.

It's such a good thing I have a mother with lots and lots of wisdom. She put it into perspective that one bad day out of months of good ones is not going to forever warp them. The sum total of the positives in our home far outweigh the bad moments, so that is what I need to focus on. After I cried lots to her I felt much better and a little more able to tackle my job again. Hazel and I talked and she was an angel for the rest of the evening.

Sorry for the soul-spilling. This is just such a great outlet for venting!

And now it's ME time. My sister got me hooked on Grey's Anatomy, so I have a couple episodes to watch, a cross stitch to work on, and ice cream to eat all awaiting me!!

posted by Becca at 8:46 PM